Fuck You

You know what? I'm so sick of peoples bullshit. Both men and women's. (This is only to people who keep fucking me and everyone else over. Not everyone is guilty of this bullshit. But the ones that are, oh boy are you in for an ass chewing.) From a bi persons point of view everyone can friggen suck it because men say women are evil conniving bitches and men are "sons of a whore and a horses ass" (Thank you Flora from Moll Flaunders for that line).

Men first- You are lying, cheating, asses, who think you can get away with anything. Which news flash! You can't. You think we don't know the shit you do behind our backs??? Well why do you think we are such bitches??? It's because we know! We know you are lying and cheating or whatever else you are doing. We don't come out and say it because we know you will deny it and we don't feel like being lied to even more than we already are. So we get even.

Now to the women- You are sneaky, conniving things and I hate you for it! You are not only jealous and assuming you make me pay for shit I don't deserve! Stop trying to get even with me for "breaking your heart". Stop the mind games. JUST STOP. We didn't date, didn't kiss, didn't do any of it. If we did fine we did that doesn't mean we are dating dammit! So stop trying to claim me and stop being bitches!

Both- News flash WE ARE NOT DATING. Therefore any girl or guy I like or flirt with is MY decision and my business not yours. Stop conniving and turning me against people because it's just going to ensure I never even speak to you again. If I want to date someone you can't stop me. You don't own me or control me so stop trying! It's God damned useless and you should knwo this by now.

No one is perfect but fuck at least try to be human or fuck off and go away! Stop making my life hell because you are miserable!

Disney

Dear Disney,

I would just like to say THANK YOU. I could seriously kiss you right now. (yeah, weird I know but that's just how I roll). No I'm not a feminist and I know I need to get that out before people read this thinking I am. I like men BUT I also like women being free and independent.

Why am I saying thank you to you then?

Because you have the balls (by balls I mean courage) to actually show people that women have power over our own lives. I'm going to admit this (no I don't give a shit if people don't like it) I love Disney movies, always have, always will. I love them because they make me feel like a kid again (beside the point) and because they depict women for what we are.

Women are not helpless damsels in distress like most movies love to depict us as. No, not us. (Sorry men but get your heads out of your asses and realize you can't walk all over us). You show us as beautiful, powerful, forces of nature. I said before in a different post I am a vixen but most women are. Disney princesses? Oh yeah, they LOVE to show we can be little vixens and I love that. Most men put us in a category of weak and helpless but we aren't!

So again thank you Disney for proving women aren't weak helpless damsels in distress but rather strong sexy vixens.

Love,

Huge Fan of depictions of the truth (What a mouth full).

The Horrors of Other People's Laundry

Ever look at someone' s laundry basket and fear to even go near it? I do. I don't know about you but laundry baskets (especially little boy's [A.K.A. Dylan's]) terrify me. You have no clue how scared I am that I'm gonna go do the laundry and have a hand or something come out of the laundry basket to get me.

Yeah, yeah I'm being dumb I know a hand won't come out and pull me under BUT you never know what terrors actually do hide in the laundry baskets. Come on people you can't tell me you've never feared some one's dirty laundry before! (Not the figurative kind. The real deal).

Okay think of it this way then. Some one doesn't do their laundry for weeks then it smells, if it's wet it grows mold and it gets even smellier (yeah gnarly right?). Then you get to stick your hand in it.

My favorite is the messy eaters. Gets all over their clothes then as you throw it in the wash it gets all over your hands and you smell like last weeks roast beef (which after a week or three doesn't smell so good anymore). Oh actually I lied my favorite (meaning the scariest). Is the unidentifiable goo. That's right I said it. GOO the crap we all can't stand to wash but know we must.

Next time you do laundry remember this post cuz I know you will be sitting there saying "Wholy shit she was right. This shit is scary!". And what will I do? Sit there and laugh because I knew I was right about the horrors of the evil laundry from the beginning. BWAHAHAHA!

Insanity

Dear Insanity,

I have tried to fight you for years and now I say I give up. You can have me. I welcome your warm embrace. Because lets face it! It's too hard to be "normal". Seriously what is this "normal" of which them asses speak? Who knows? I know you claim us all as your own in one way or another (yes even those who claim and I quote "there is nothing wrong with me"). Yep them be the crazy people you gotta worry about the most. The ones that think they are okay when we all know they have some deep dark secret. Yeah that makes me want to be alone with them at night. (Not really). Who am I kidding they just know how to play the system and quite frankly they scare the hell out of me...way off track here. As I was saying. I'm done pretending. It's easier to just give in and I miss that padded room you put me in. So warm embrace here I come. If you still accept that is? (Oh who am I kidding???? I KNOW you still welcome me). Again Insanity take me now!

Love,

Eager Lunatic

Labyrinth

Okay here is a question I've been dying to know the answer to for (however long ago I started the movie). I am watching the Labyrinth and don't get me wrong I love this movie but here is the question: Why? What makes this movie so...what is the word I'm looking for???...Hmm...Oh yeah addicting.

The reasons I ask are:

A) The girl, Sarah, is whiny and irritating as hell.

B) The man is "in love" with her. Yet, he is a total ass to her.

C) The main line in the movie is "It's not fair".

D) The creatures are creepy.

E) Did I not meantion the Goblin King is a contradicting ass? Well if not, I did now.

Need I say more??? I think not...Well not yet anyway.

Oddity

Ever wake up and wonder why you are so...Odd??? I have. Ever wonder why your family is a bunch of crazy banshees? Yeah, I do that too. Why? Because they are. Wanna know a secret?

Their genetics are the reason for your "oddity". Wanna know another secret?

Life is WAY more fun with them odd people. Want to know why? I know you don't but I don't give a rats ass. I'm going to tell you anyway.

The reason life is more fun with them is because (bare with me. I'm using my life as an example right now) who else would run around these parts (I sound like a hill billy because I live on a mountain [technically making me a "hill" billy] yeah yeah lame I know...I thought it was funny. Back to the point) would actually bounce around the house in their pjs from yesterday screaming I Will Survive (or whatever old ass songs you listen to).

No one? Yeah that's what I thought.

So next time you think "God these people are embarassing!" Just remember that you are just as bad they just don't care who else knows how crazy they are. Which Kudos they shouldn't. They should be their crazy selves no matter where they are. And so should you.

Just something to ponder.

The Little Things in Life

This post is a compilation (idek if that is a word so I will play Dr. Suess and claim it as mine) of funny moments through out the years. (In order from oldest to most recent).

• I watched a horror movie with my friend and the commercial before it said "Brought to you by Trojan brand condoms" and I said "Oh, that's lovely. Appearently scary movies make you horny"
  
• The next day we were playing Scrabble with my sisters and I spelled sex. My sister Carrie said "Madi, why did you have to have sex? Jer could be home any minute and you're over there having sex!" I just give her a weird look and started cracking up...she didn't realize what she said until five minutes later.
  
• Friend of mine and I were watching the X-Files and I said "Ohmigod! Add another head and it could be Fluffy" when I saw the two headed dog.
  
• Dog is God spelt backwards so is God a backwards dog or are dogs backwards Gods??? Hmmm.
  
• I had to give up the first litter of kittens and it was extremely easy...Until I saw the heartbreakingly sad/scared looks on their faces. That made it the single hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life. (a funny moment amoungst the funny moments that wasn't a funny moment at all). I did find that it was easier giving up the second litter. It's always the first time that is the hardest.
  
• I walked in my room with a cookie and set it on the dresser to grab my jacket... When I went back to eat the cookie I saw that my kitties were fighting each other for the cookie (by fighting I mean having a slap war the way only kitties can)...I tried to grab it and the damn thing fell to the floor....And that was it the kitties attacked the second it hit the floor...I feel like a five year old but bye bye cookie T.T...
  
• I worry not but I understand everything they claim I won't understand but what they don't understand is that they ask me then claim I don't understand when really they don't understand . So they insult my intelligence just because they don't even understand it themselves. Therefore I understand that which they know nothing of.
  
• Damn Facebook. Why do my comments keep running away?! Oh, wait...They found Neverland before I did. :(.....Maybe that is where they went???? Hmmm who knows????
  
• LOL. Yeah, really. I heard EVERY word :P. You shall never know when and where I'm lurking, ready ready to "Sporadically hurl [your] words back at [you]" ;).....Oh by the way (Beware the "spy lurking in your house AND)....BWAHAHAHAHA! (Damn straight I'm rocking the evil laugh).
  
• I always used to wonder what made going to my brother's house so much fun because we never did anything special but I still loved it even before I moved in. I now know that it is because we can just relax and be ourselves (that is even the type of atmosphere you get when you first walk through the front door). Which I have also come to learn is that we are a bunch of clowns who seem to be cracking jokes in one way or another every two minutes or so.
  
• Okay, I've been dying to point this out. Cinnamon Toast Crunch... Wait for it...Is all about cannablism! Am I the only one who sees this??? I mean seriously people! Open thy eyes! The commercials show the pieces of cereal EATING each other. You can not sit here and tell me it isn't cannablism cause lets face it that is EXCATLY what it is.
• Vixen- malicious woman with a temper (or a vicious little 17 year old named Madi). Just saying
• Siren- a sea nymph supposed to lure sailors to distruction on the rocks where the nymphs lived; enchantress: a woman who is considered to be dangerously seductive (also me).

• You know you are one of a kind when you remember stuff form your childhood that was old back then and is ancient now and you still LOVE it...Especially when it is an old ass song that you get some one else to sing with you. Correction that you get everyone else to scream into inanimate objects with you. Them be the good days in life.

Theive from the Theives! Steal the Stolen Goods!

Who here has ever lived in a house full of crazy people? Say "I" (in your head so the Crazies in the house don't assume you're the crazy one). Well if you have then you know what I am talking about when I say you most be the ninjedi warrior princess to keep your shit where you want it.

In this house the goodies are gone as soon as you get them. That's right I live with six other people and if I am to leave the goodies on the counter it is snatched up in milliseconds whether it be coffee, cookies, tea, or a book. Doesn't matter they take it.

You expect the four kids to be the thieves right? WRONG. I mean yeah sometimes, more like rarely in my case. No wanna know who is the biggest thief of the Madi goods in this house? Guess. You'll never guess right. But go a head guess anyway. Think you got it?

Drum role please? *drum role* The biggest thief of my goods in this house is Mama Bear Shannon. (Told you, you'd never be able to guess it). That's right Shannon, big sis, is the one who steals all my goods. She high jacks my food when I go to clean litter or whatever else I gotta go do. She steals the coffee and the tea when I get distracted and the books when she realizes I won't read it yet.

So what do I do? My evil little vixen ass gets even. I'm very sneaky I must add. She waits til I am distracted. What do I do? I steal it right out from under her nose. That's right I steal the stolen goods that were rightfully mine to steal since they were stolen from me in the first place. Does she notice? Yeah, an hour later meaning I am that good.

I also got smart real quick like 'round here. Now I fight for my goods and learned an important rule. KEEP YOUR SHIT CLOSE AND GUARDED AT ALL TIMES.

Now you know how to keep your goods from getting stolen. Heed my warning they are sneaky and plotting out revenge to thieve again. So be ready or you will be back to drawing board when them damn lovable banshees come back for more.

What DISH Network Fails to Tell You.

This is a letter we have received from Dish Network (with some of my input in Pink):

We're willing to do ALMOST ANYTHING to get you back.

Hint that they say ALMOST anything to get you back...yeah that is true commitment right there...NOT

We belong together and we want to prove our commitment to you. We've had a lot of great times and we want to continue to show you how much you mean to Dish Network.

Oh they are so full of shit! Correction they had great times with your money which am I the only one who noticed that they failed to mention who they had great times with? And don't let them fool you, your money means everything to them. You? Mean jack shit to them.

We'll welcome you back with over $520 in savings: $120 off your programming, HD programming FREE for life, an SD DVR upgrade, and 3 FREE certificates to watch the latest Hollywood hits on DISH Cinema. We've been through a lot together and you deserve the it.

Let me tell you now that they are FULL OF IT. It is called a Roku box and it is $60 bucks for the box and $18 a month for the Netflix and Hulu Plus compared to $85 a month. And I deserve to have my DVR erased every two hours? Or for my DISH to freeze and reload in the middle of a show just because you envoke the right to pause or rewind? Hmm doesn't sound like a good deal to me. Our Roku gives us Pandora free (Which Pandora is the shit!) and we get MORE with the Roku than we did for with the DISH and did I mention how cheep the Roku is??? Oh yeah, I did. It paid for itself in one month compared to DISH which sucks the money out of you monthly.

Please let us know what we can do to make your experience right with DISH Network.

Is it just me or does this just scream "BABY COME BACK!" You know like the Swiffer commercials? Desperate much? Seriously, we aren't coming back so get the damn hint!

We're committed to ensure that we have a great relationship. Give us a call and we'll be happy to answer any questions about DISH Netwrok services and programming.

Again screaming DESPERATE. And can I just say that this reminds me of Mr. Carbs and his "I'm in love with your money...I mean you" bullshit. They should rename it "Penny Pinchers Network Where We want to Suck You Dry...No Really ALL We Want is Your Money". Oh yeah, I can see that being all they want. Can't you?

Sincerely,

DISH Network

You mean:

I'm so full of shit I'm drowning in it,

DISH Network

Yep that sounds about right.

Evils of Dissertations Revealed

I'm starting to wonder just how far I want to go in my chosen career of _____(fill in the blank). Due to listening to my sister-in-law's attempt at working on her dissertation of her Doctorate in Psychology. Everything I've heard so far ranges from "Grr, ah God dammit!" to "OH, Ohmigod this is fantastic!" Makes one wonder just how much they love said career. Enough to just barley skid by to the bare minimum or exceed expectations. Hmm...still not sure yet.

Usually I get a ton of "GRRR Fucking aye! This sucks". Today I get a ton of "Ohmigod! This is perfect for____"(Fill in the blank for section of dissertation). Don't get me wrong this crap is hilarious. Especially listening to her play hide and seek references.

Back to the point. Kudos really because anyone either working on or having a Doctorate Degree must be damn stubborn and dedicated because Shannon (my super hero sister-in-law [whom after today {or whenever she reads this post} will know I call her a superhero when she isn't around.]) has been ready to pull her hair out every (however often she works on this damn thing [too often for me to try and keep track]). Yet here she is today still working on it. Still pushing forward with this evil project she must continue to write.

Again I say this to anyone who has or ever will have a Doctorate degree in _____(fill in whatever career it shall be) KUDOS. Honest I am sincere. (No really this isn't a snarky post to anyone rather a snarky post to the villian I call The Evil Dissertation [or Dissertation Hell as Superhero Shannon calls it]).

Next Generation

They claim that my generation is a bunch of idiots to whom the world will one day end. Why? Because we are ignorant little asses. Yeah, yeah, yeah...we've heard it all before. The world will be brought to it's ultimate destruction due to me. I look forward to the day we prove them wrong but what they fail to realize is that they are...wait for it...THE DUMB NUTS WHO RAISED US. So ultimately it is their fault for raising our ignorant asses...but that wasn't what I was getting at.

The point of tonight's blog post is to say that my generation may be ignorant but the next generation is full of geniuses. How does my "ignorant" ass know this??? because of a few simple facts.

A) My five year old niece, that's right FIVE, is kicking her dad's ass at Risk. That is true talent right there.

B) My three year old brother can start a complex car in a matter of seconds.

C) His twin has been calling my cell since she was one and a half.

D) The two year old can hold a conversation better than half the kids in this house and she is manipulative as all hell.

So what have you learned from this?

I'm hoping you learned this:

Not everyone in my generation is an ignorant idiotic ass and we aren't going to cause the world to end but the generation after mine will DOMINATE the world when they grow up.

Go ahead let it sink in, that way when they do take over the world I can say "Ha! You should have listened. Told you so!"

Lazy?

You know when I was little I used to make fun of those movies where I saw the characters IMing each other and texting each other from different rooms in the same house. Until that fateful day my Step Monstress (Trust me this is a nicer G rated term than the other one I had in mind.) moved in. Now I deam them smart because face it when your rents are Jackasses like those two (Ogre [Dad] and the evil thing he married.) you don't want to face them either. Hell they'd be lucky to even see my face for more than a minute let alone get more than a grunt out of me. So yes I was worse than those brats on T.V. who were too lazy to leave their rooms.

Except here is the difference:

They were too absorbed with their "social lives" to communicate with their family.

I HATED mine. I used the phone to get what I wanted while avoiding their selfish asses.

So next time you text your parents from your room ask yourself "Am I texting them because I'm lazy or because I hate them?"

If The answer is A (lazy). Get off your lazy ass and spend time with your family. They love you.

If the answer is B (hate). Well good luck and run like hell is all I can say.

Damn the Snow

There is nothing like a damn snow storm to ruin your plans. I mean seriously we wanted a snow day all week and now, when it doesn't matter and no one wants snow because we actually want to go to friends houses and go through with our plans, it snows. Way to go snow.

I just want to say:

Dear Snow,

yes, you are pretty...the first hour or two, maybe. And yeah being with that special someone in the snow is the most magical thing ever. BUT on a day like today you just ruin everything. You made your point, now everyone wants to say "fuck you" and kill you. Good job. Now everyone will be in a good mood. NOT. Now we get to sit home and all the kids will be in a bad mood due to lazy parents making us shovel THIER cars out. Not cool. And as for my stairs well they are deadly anyway...with ice on em? They become even deadlier...as in evil icy death traps.

Thanks for ruining my day....AGAIN.

Yours Truely,

Unhappy camper

You Big Baby, You

What is with men? Acting all tough then the second something hurts or goes wrong they act like big babies? I mean we go through it too. We get hurt things get fucked up for women too. The only difference I must say is that yeah we complain but we are supposed to be naggy. Rememer? That is the female stereo-type isn't it? Bitchy, naggy and oh what was that last one??? Oh that's right whiners as we are called. Well here's a news flash for all the big baby men.

Yeah we can be whiny but we have every damn right we go through periods then we got fucked over by your pig asses then we get to go through the pain of pregnancy AND labor just to give you children. And that's not all! Our bodies go through hell to get those children for you.

Guess that covers why we are so btichy too...no, wait there was more...what was it...oh yeah, I haven't even meantioned that we put up with your lame ass pick up lines, player attitudes, AND dick personalities. Here's a tip for you...LAY OFF AND LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE. If you want us to be nicier stop being asses and show us some damn compassion for once. Maybe then your life will be more pleasant and well actually be fun to be around then.

To the last point. Naggy. You think we are naggy but you won't do shit but sit on your asses and watch T.V. or play video games. So yes we are naggy. But again: GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND HELP US AND WE WILL STOP BICHING. It is THAT simple. And don't even get me started on how naggy men are. Yes, you are naggy too. Don't even lie or try to hide it you KNOW I am RIGHT. We are naggy in the "annoy you til you do what we want" way. But you are naggy in the "I'm gonna be an ass and make you want to shoot me" way. That is the reasoning for so many women killing their husbands.

So Next time your girl is being mean or you are being a whiney ass baby stop and wonder what is wrong with the picture.

And no women aren't perfect, we never were and I am proud to admit we all have our issues men and women alike but we females need a voice so that is what I am at the moment.

The Evil Red Monster

I warn the men now that this post is about the evil thing that plagues women monthly. If you are squeamish leave now. If you have balls enough to know just what women deal with then stay, enjoy, laugh.

First of all let me tell you my views on periods:

They are Satan spawn.

Evil little buggers out to fuck us over and ruin our lives monthly.

Anyone agree with me? Hmm? Any takers? Any at all?

If you don't agree with me here is a list of reasons why you should:

A) They hurt like hell. I don't know about you but mine hurt so bad I just wanna die (almost literally).

B) They ruin our clothes. You know those sexy little outfits we get to be seductive? Yeah those are the ones periods just love to ruin.

C) They make us crabby as hell. We don't wanna be mean and irritable but those evil red monsters love to show us how annoying people really are. Believe me we'd love to take our blissful ignorance but periods make it IMPOSSIBLE.

D) They stain our sheets when they sneak attack us at night.

E) To ad to A they don't just hurt they make us feel sick and oh watch out when we are sick AND on the rag. Ten times worse for everyone.

The list could go on and on but if you aren't convinced yet...well you will be....if you won't then you are damn ignorant and retarded.

French Parade

First of all I would like to say that this blog is nothing like Diary of a Messed Up Kid. That blog is the serious passionate side of me. This blog is the joker side of me. This blog has been created as a result of an inside joke with a friend.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way. French women let me tell you why they seem so damn sexy. It is because...wait for it...they stuff them sexy Victoria's secrets bras with panties. Which brings me to the next point of why are their purses so HUGE????

I will now reveal the answer to that question since men I know you are just dying to know why... I know I would if I were a male. Their purses are so big because they are full with the panties they stick in their bras. That is why their bras seem perfect and their underwear are clean even AFTER she wore them.

Which brings me to the next point. Them big ass purses aren't just holding panties (bet you didn't see that one coming did you???) They are also full of...hope you didn't guess this....shirts. Yes, yes, and again SHIRTS. This my dear males is why they buy five of the same shirt.

They buy five of the same shirt so that they can wear the bigger ones to flaunt their tiny waists and "big" breasts (meaning tiny breasts and over stuffed bras). Then they use the smaller (push up maximum padded) bras and tiny shirts to make their tiny breasts look bigger.

Those poor, poor French men never saw it coming. But now they know to watch out for those French women and their HUGE ass purses.